Senior Humor - 4 Risque Stories

An old hillbilly farmer had a wife who nagged him unmercifully. From morning 'til night she was always complaining about something. The only time he got any relief was when he was out plowing with his old mule. He plowed a lot. One day, when he was out plowing, his wife brought him lunch in the field. He drove the old mule into the shade, sat down on a stump, and began to eat his lunch. Immediately, his wife began nagging him again. Complain, nag, complain, nag - it just went on and on. All of a sudden, the old mule lashed out with both hind feet, caught her smack in the back of the head. Killed her dead on the spot.
At the funeral several days later, the minister noticed something rather odd. When a woman mourner would approach the old farmer, he would listen for a minute, then nod his head in agreement; but when a man mourner approached him, he would listen for a minute, then shake his head in disagreement. This was so consistent, the minister decided to ask the old farmer about it. So after the funeral, the minister spoke to the old farmer, and asked him why he nodded his head and agreed with the women, but always shook his head and disagreed with all the men. The old farmer said, 'Well, the women would come up and say something about how nice my wife looked, or how pretty her dress was, so I'd nod my head in agreement.' And what about the men?' the minister asked. 'They wanted to know if the mule was for sale."

An elderly couple Margaret and Bert, moved to Texas. Bert always wanted a pair of authentic cowboy boots, so, seeing some on sale, he bought them and wore them home. Walking proudly, he sauntered into the kitchen and said to his wife, 'Notice anything different about me?' Margaret looked him over. 'Nope.' Frustrated, Bert stormed off into the bathroom, undressed and walked back into the kitchen completely naked except for the boots. Again he asked Margaret, a little louder this time, 'Notice anything different NOW?' Margaret looked up and exclaimed, 'Bert, what's different? It's hanging down today, it was hanging down yesterday, it'll be hanging down again tomorrow!' Furious, Bert yelled, 'AND DO YOU KNOW WHY IT'S HANGING DOWN, MARGARET?' 'Nope', she replied.. 'IT'S HANGING DOWN, BECAUSE IT'S LOOKING AT MY NEW BOOTS!!!!' Without changing her expression, Margaret replied, 'Shoulda bought a hat, Bert.

An elderly Italian man who lived on the outskirts of Rimini, Italy, went to the local church for confession. When the priest slid open the panel in the confessional, the man said: "Father... During World War II, a beautiful Jewish woman from our neighborhood knocked urgently on my door and asked me to hide her from the Nazis. So I hid her in my attic." The priest replied: "That was a wonderful thing you did, and you have no need to confess that." "There is more to tell, Father.. She started to repay me with sexual favors. This happened several times a week, and sometimes twice on Sundays." The priest said, "That was a long time ago and by doing what you did, you placed the two of you in great danger, but two people under those circumstances can easily succumb to the weakness of the flesh. However, if you are truly sorry for your actions, you are indeed forgiven." "Thank you, Father. That's a great load off my mind. I do have one more question." "And what is that?" asked the priest. "Should I tell her the war is over?"

Old man sitting on his front porch in Louisiana watching the sunrise sees the neighbors' kid walk by carrying something big under his arm. He yells out, 'Hey boy, whatcha got there?' The boy yells back, 'Roll of chicken wire.' The old man says, 'What you gonna do with that?' The boy says, 'Catch some chickens.' The old man yells, 'You dang fool, you can't catch chickens with chicken wire!' The boy just laughs and keeps walking. That evening at sunset the boy comes walking by and to the old man's surprise, he is dragging behind him the chicken wire with about 30 chickens caught in it. At the same time the next morning, the old man is out watching the sunrise and he sees the boy walk by carrying something kind of round in his hand. The old man yells out, 'Hey boy, whatcha got there?' The boy yells back, 'Roll of duck tape.' The old man says, 'What you gonna do with that?' The boy says back, 'Catch me some ducks.' The old man yells back, 'You dang fool, you can't catch ducks with duck tape!' The boy just laughs and keeps walking. That night, around sunset, the boy walks by coming home and to the old man's amazement, he is trailing behind him the unrolled roll of duck tape with about 35 ducks caught in it At the same time the next morning, the old man sees the boy walking by carrying what looks like a long reed with something fuzzy on the end. The old man says, 'Hey boy, whatcha got there?' The boy says, 'It's a pussy willow.' The old man says, 'Hold on, I'll get my hat.'

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Senior Humor - Terrible Jokes To Make You Smile

OK - They may be terrible, but they're actually funny !!!!

The Nursing Home

At the Nursing Home a man took his elderly father to a nursing home to check it out. He sat his father down on a sofa in the main aisle way and went to talk with the administrators.
The old man started to tilt slowly toward the left. A Doctor came by and said, "Let me help you." The Doctor piled several pillows on the left side of the old man so he would stay upright.
The older man started to tilt slowly to the right. An orderly noticed and put several more pillows on his right side to keep him upright.
The old man started to lean forward when a nurse came by and piled several pillows in front of him. About this time, the son returned.
"Well, Dad, isn't this a nice place."
The old man replied, "I guess it's ok, but they won't let me fart."

Old Man and the Young Wife

You see this young lad walks out of a store and sees an elderly man sitting on a bench crying. This young lad walks over to the man to check to see if he is O.k.!
Young Lad: Sir, are you Okay?
Old Man: Yes, it's my birthday today (and he is still crying)
Young Lad: Wow, it's a special day for you.
Old Man.: Yes it is. I'm 82 today (and still crying.)
Young Lad: Even better, you look great for your age.
Old Man: Thank you, and I just got married (and he is still crying.)
Young Lad: Married!! Gee, that's great! 82 and married, wow! You've got a whole new life ahead of you.
Old Man: I married a 25 year old.
Young Lad: Holly Molly!! Even better.
Old Man: We have sex every day! (he's till crying)
Young Lad: I don't even have sex everyday, you lucky person you.
Old Man: Yes, I am, and I've forgotten where I lived.

Three Elderly Men

Three elderly men are talking about their aches, pains and bodily functions. The seventy-year old man says, "I have this problem. I wake up every morning at seven and it takes me twenty minutes to tinkle."
The eighty-year old man says, "My case is worse. I get up at eight and I sit there and grunt and groan for half an hour before I finally have a BM."
The ninety-year old says, "At seven I pee like a horse, at eight I flop like a cow."
"So what's your problem?" ask the others.
"I don't wake up until nine."

Growing Old

There is this guy who really takes care of his body, he lifts weights and jogs five miles every day. One morning he looks into the mirror and admires his body. he noticed that he is really sun-tanned all over, except his penis, and he decides to do something about it. He goes to the beach, strips completely and buries himself in the sand, except for his penis sticking out of the sand.
Two little old ladies are strolling along the beach and one looks down and says "There is no justice in this world".
The other lady says, "What do you mean?"
The first lady says, "Look at that". When I was 10 Years old I was afraid of it. When I was 20, I was curious about it. When I was 30, I enjoyed it. When I was 40, I asked for it. When I was 50, I paid for it. When I was 60, I prayed for it. When I was 70, I forgot about it. And now that I'm 80, the damn things are growing wild!

The Hunting Lodge

One night, at the lodge of a hunting club, two new members were being introduced to other members and shown around. The man leading them around said, "See that old man asleep in the chair by the fireplace? He is our oldest member and can tell you some hunting stories you'll never forget." They awakened the old man and asked him to tell them a hunting story.
"Well, I remember back in 1944, we went on a lion hunting exposition in Africa. We were on foot and hunted for three days without seeing a thing. On the fourth day, I was so tired I had to rest my feet. I found a fallen tree, so I laid my gun down, propped my head on the tree, and fell asleep. I don't know how long I was asleep when I was awakened by a noise in the bushes. I was reaching for my gun when the biggest lion I ever seen jumped out of the bushes at me like this, ROOOAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRR!!!!!!!!!!!....... I tell you, I just shit my pants."
The young men looked astonished and one of them said, "I don't blame you, I would have shit my pants too if a lion jumped out at me."
The old man shook his head and said, "No, no, not then, just now when I said ROOOAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRR!!!!!!!!!!!"

Not That FarSally

A difficult independent 75 year old, liked sitting by the park feeding the pigeons. One day she brought with her a whole bun of fresh bread just to feed her daily company. Little by little, pinch-by-pinch, she fed each pigeon with joy. She sat there without being noticed by anyone in our rich suburban neighborhood.
Then suddenly a man in his early 40's rained on my mom's parade by telling her that she shouldn't throw away good food on a bunch of pigeons that can find food anywhere... when there are a lot of people starving in Africa, says the stranger.
Then my mother said in crazed anger and without hesitation, "Well, hell, I can't throw that far!"

For more information contact Senior Solutions at (954) 456-8984 or toll free at 1-800-213-3524

Seniors: Jokes to Make You Smile

Romance?
Karl and Milly were lying in bed one night. Carl was falling asleep but Milly was in a romantic mood and wanted to talk. She said, "You used to hold my hand when we were courting."
Wearily Karl reached across, held her hand for a second, and rolled over to try to fall asleep.
A few moments later she said, "Then you used to kiss me."
Mildly irritated, he leaned across, gave her a peck on the cheek and settled back down to sleep.
Thirty seconds later she said, "Then you used to bite my neck."
Angrily, he threw back the bed clothes and got out of bed.
"Where are you going?" she asked.
"To the bathroom to get my teeth," he replied.

Hard of Hearing
An old man decided his old wife was getting hard of hearing. So he called her doctor to make an appointment to have her hearing checked. The doctor said he could see her in two weeks, and meanwhile there's a simple, informal test the husband could do to give the doctor some idea of the dimensions of the problem.
"Here's what you do. Start about 40 feet away from her, and speak in a normal onversational tone and see if she hears you. If not, go to 30 feet, then 20 feet, and so on until you get a response."
So that evening she's in the kitchen cooking dinner, and he's in the living room, and he says to himself, "I'm about 40 feet away, let's see what happens."
"Honey, what's for supper?"
No response.
So he moves to the other end of the room, about 30 feet away. "Honey, what's for supper?"
No response.
So he moves into the dining room, about 20 feet away. "Honey, what's for supper?"
No response.
On to the kitchen door, only 10 feet away. "Honey, what's for supper?".
No response.
So he walks right up behind her. "Honey, what's for supper?"
"For the fifth time, CHICKEN!"

Old Wisdom

After working his farm every day, an old farmer rarely had time to enjoy the large pond in the back that he had fixed up years earlier with picnic tables, horseshoe courts, and benches. So one evening he decided to go down and see how things were holding up. Much to his surprise, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee. As he came closer he saw it was a group of young women skinny dipping in his pond.
He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end. One of the women shouted to him, "We're not coming out until you leave."
The old farmer replied, "I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim or make you get out of the pond naked. I only came down to feed the alligator."


Wrong Color Suit

An old lady was very upset as her husband Albert had just passed away. She went to the undertakers to have one last look at her dearly departed husband. The instant she saw him she started crying. The mortician walked over to comfort her. Through her tears she explained that she was upset because her dearest Albert was wearing a black suit, and it was his fervent wish to be buried in a blue suit.
The mortician apologized and explained that traditionally they always put bodies in a black suit, but he'd see what he could arrange.
The next day she returned to the funeral parlor to have one last moment with Albert before the funeral the following day.
When the mortician pulled back the curtain, she managed a smile through her tears as Albert was resplendent in a smart blue suit. She said to the mortician, "Wonderful, wonderful, but where did you get that beautiful suit?"
"Well, yesterday afternoon after you left, a man about your husband's size was brought in and he was wearing a blue suit," the mortician replied. "His wife was quite upset because she wanted him buried in the traditional black suit."
Albert's wife smiled at the undertaker.
"After that," he continued, "it was just a matter of swapping the heads."

Quiz: How Old Are You Really?
From the following list of 25 items, count all the ones that you remember -- not the ones you were told about! How to score yourself is at the end.

1.Blackjack chewing gum
2.Wax Coke-shaped bottles with colored sugar-water
3.Candy cigarettes
4.Soda-pop machines that dispensed bottles
5.Coffee shops with tableside jukeboxes
6.Home milk delivery in glass bottles with cardboard stoppers
7.Party lines
8.Newsreels before the movie
9.P. F. Flyers
10.Butch wax
11.Telephone numbers with a word prefix (e.g., Olive - 6933)
12.Peashooters
13.Howdy Doody
14.45-RPM records ... and 78-RPM records
15.S&H Green Stamps
16.Hi-fi systems
17.Metal ice trays with lever
18.Mimeograph paper
19.Blue flashbulb
20.Packards
21.Rollerskate keys
22.Cork popguns
23.Drive-in theaters
24.Studebakers
25.Washtub wringers
If you remembered!
0 - 5 = You're still young
6 - 10 = You are getting older
11 - 15 = Don't tell your age
16 - 25 = You're older than you think!
Be sure to pass this along -- especially to all your friends with really good memories.

Oh, the pity of old age.

When I went to lunch today, I noticed an old man sitting on a park bench sobbing his eyes out. I stopped and asked him what was wrong. He said, "I have a 22 year old wife at home. She rubs my back every morning and then gets up and makes me pancakes, sausage, fresh fruit and freshly ground coffee."
I said, "Well, then why are you crying?"
He said, "She makes me homemade soup for lunch and my favorite brownies, cleans the house and then watches sports TV with me for the rest of the afternoon."
I said, "Well, why are you crying?"
He said, "For dinner she makes me a gourmet meal with wine and my favorite dessert and then makes love with me until the wee hours"
I said, "Well, why in the world would you be crying?"
He said, "I can't remember where I live!"



For more information contact Senior Solutions at (954) 456-8984 or toll free at 1-800-213-3524