JOKE 1: A 75-year-old man went to the doctor's office to get a sperm count.
The Doctor gave the man a jar and said, "Take this jar home and bring me back a sample tomorrow."
The next day, the 75-year-old man reappears at the doctor's office and gives him the jar, which is as clean and empty as the previous day.
The doctor asks what happened, and the man explains, "Well, Doc, it's like this. First I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but nothing. Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, but nothing. Then with her left, but nothing. She even tried with her mouth, first with her teeth in, then with he teeth out, and still nothing. Hell, we even called up the lady next door, and she tried with both hands and her mouth too, but nothing."
The doctor was shocked. "You asked your neighbor?"
The old man replied, "Yep, but no matter what we tried, we couldn't get that damn jar opened!"
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JOKE 2:A young fellow was about to be married and was asking his grandfather about sex. He asked how often you should have it. His grandfather told him that when you first get married, you want it all the time, and maybe do it several times a day.
His grandfather continued to tell the young fellow that later on, sex tapers off and you have it once a week or so. Then as you get older, you have sex maybe once a month. When you get really old, you are lucky to have it once a year - maybe on your anniversary.
The young fellow then asked his grandfather, "Well how about you and Grandma now?"
His grandfather replied, "Oh, we just have oral sex now."
"What's oral sex?" the young fellow asked.
"Well," Grandpa said, "She goes to bed into her bedroom, and I go to into my bedroom. And she yells, 'F*** You!" And I holler back, "F*** You too'."
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JOKE 3: Two elderly gentlemen are playing cards on Saturday evening just as they have done for the past 50 years.
Gus, the elder, had been having problems remembering what cards were what, and usually needed help from his wife. At the end of the card game Red said to Gus, "You did very good tonight. You didn't need any help at all. Why is that?"
Gus replied, "Why, ever since my wife sent me to that memory school, I haven't had any problems at all."
"Memory school? What memory school?"
Gus thought for a moment, "Oh, what's that flower that's red with thorns? A really pretty flower . . . "
"A rose?" asked Red.
"Yeah, that's it!" Gus turned to his wife and mumbled, "Hey, Rose! What's the name of that memory school you sent me to?"
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JOKE 4:A noted sex therapist realized that people often lied about the frequency of their encounters, so he devised a test to tell for certain how often someone has had sex.
To prove his theory, he filled an auditorium with people, and went down the line, asking each person to smile. Using the size of the person's smile, the therapist was able to guess accurately until he came to the last man in line, an elderly gentleman, who was grinning from ear to ear.
"Twice a day," the therapist guessed. But the therapist was surprised when the man says no.
"Once a day, then?" Again the answer is no. "Twice a week?" "No." "Twice a month?" "No." The man finally said yes when the doctor got to "once a year."
The therapist is angry that his theory isn't working, and asks the elderly gentleman, "What the heck are you so happy about?"
The gent answered, "Tonight's the night!"
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